From Shame to Grace

When I first stepped into recovery, I kept hearing people talk about “finding a higher power.” For many, that step is the hardest — learning to trust something beyond themselves. But for me, that was never the struggle. I was raised in a godly home. My grandfather has been in the ministry since his early twenties, and I am a fifth-generation believer. Faith was woven into the fabric of my life.

But here’s what surprised me: even though I’ve known about God my entire life, something about walking through addiction — and more importantly, walking out of it — changed my relationship with Him completely.

This wasn’t just about believing in God anymore. This was about learning who He is to me personally. Recovery cracked me wide open and showed me my desperate need for His mercy and grace. Those words used to just sound like church vocabulary — now they are oxygen to me.

I’ve seen His mercy when I least deserved it. I’ve felt His grace in moments when shame tried to bury me. And if I’m honest, shame was the hardest thing for me to overcome.

Walking back into the church I had attended since I was four years old — the place where everyone knew me and felt like family — was one of the most humbling, gut-wrenching experiences of my life. I felt like the biggest failure. The biggest disappointment. The girl who should have known better but didn’t. And most of all, I felt like I had let down the people that I love and respect the most. I felt like I had failed to uphold this standard in the heritage that my family has made and truly lived.

It took me time to realize that the voice whispering those thoughts wasn’t God’s voice at all. I had to learn the difference between condemnation and conviction. And that little mindset shift was everything for me. But here's the thing....condemnation is not of God. I had to remind myself that every time that those feelings and thoughts surfaced. And, if it wasn't God, then it was the enemy. I was determined that he wasn't going to win this time.

Condemnation is what told me I was beyond repair, that my past would always define me, that I would always wear the label of “addict.” But conviction — that quiet nudge from God — reminded me that He was calling me higher, not casting me out. Conviction is His love pulling me back in, not pushing me away. It was a reminder that I'm working towards a higher purpose in my life and I needed to be aware of everything that I was doing. I had to be intentional in making the right choices. It was always the little nudge that I needed. And here's a little tip: If you think it's wrong....it probably is!

When I finally understood that condemnation is not of God — that it’s the enemy trying to hold my past against me — it changed everything. I stopped running from Him and started running toward Him. My entire relationship with God feels so new and beautiful. It changed everything. I finally understood so many different things about the way that He feels about me. And, how beautiful is that?

Keeping God at the center of my recovery has changed everything. I try to keep Him at the center of every decision, no matter how small. When anger bubbles to the surface, I try to pause and let Him guide my reaction. When fear and doubt creep in, I remind myself that He hasn’t brought me this far to leave me.

Recovery isn’t just about staying sober — it’s about becoming whole. And for me, wholeness is only possible when God is at the center of it all. God truly works all things for my good. Learning to trust His timing and not my own was such a freeing thing. I didn't have to control everything. But, let's be honest, I wasn't controlling anything. I was hindering His will in my life.

If you’re on this journey too, maybe that’s what you need — not just to believe that God exists, but to believe that He is deeply personal, wildly loving, and always ready to walk with you through the hardest parts of life.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." — Romans 8:1

A Prayer for Your Journey: God, I give you my shame and the weight of my past. I choose to believe Your Word over the lies that tell me I am too far gone. Teach me to hear Your voice of conviction and not the enemy’s condemnation. Help me keep You at the center of my recovery, my choices, and my reactions. Thank You for loving me in my mess and for leading me into freedom. Amen.