I'm not her anymore

Someone once told me, “I just want the old Jana back.”

For a long time, that stung. It felt like they were saying this version of me wasn’t good enough — that I had lost something important along the way. But now, I understand what they really meant. They didn’t mean any harm by saying that. They just wanted the well Jana.

They wanted the girl who was fun, a little too loud most of the time, caring, strong — the girl who loved hard and showed up for everyone. That’s who they missed. The truth is, they weren’t seeing her at all back then. All they were seeing was the sick version of me — the version who was surviving, not living.

If I'm being perfectly honest, the old Jana was defensive, the first to speak her mind, quick to react and fire back, and frankly....a little unhinged! IYKYK. Everything was deflected if it even came close to exposing the fire raging inside.

And that version of me? She was miserable. She smiled on the outside, but inside there was a storm raging — anxiety, depression, guilt, shame. She was barely holding on, and no one could see it.

I have made up my mind that I don’t ever want to be her again.

This is Jana 2.0 — and I’m here to win.

Jana 2.0 is stronger.

Jana 2.0 is clear-minded.

Jana 2.0 refuses to live in survival mode anymore.

I haven’t lost the basis of who I am — I’m still fun, still loud, still caring, still strong. The difference is, now I am free. I’m not living under the weight of shame. I’m not numbing my feelings or going through the motions just to make it through another day. And now, not everyone or everything deserves my attention or a response. If it disturbs my peace, I will walk away faster than dessert at a diet convention!!

I don’t just want to “get by” anymore — I want to do things I never even dreamed were possible. I want to show up fully for my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, and for myself. I want to stop shrinking myself to fit into the version of me that made everyone else comfortable.

The truth is, when someone tells you they want the old you back, it often comes from a place of love — but they don’t always realize that the “old you” was secretly drowning.

This new me is free.

This new me is present.

This new me is not afraid to take up space.

And yes, this version of me might be uncomfortable for some people — because growth changes relationships. But that’s okay. I am not here to make everyone else feel comfortable. I am here to live fully, to love deeply, and to keep becoming the woman God has called me to be.

This is my life now.

This is my story.

And I refuse to go back.

If you’re in the middle of your own transformation and you feel that pull to shrink back into who you used to be — pause and remember why you started. Remember the heaviness you carried, the nights you cried, the mornings you woke up already exhausted. You have fought too hard to go back to that person. This is your permission to step into your own version 2.0.

Stop limiting yourself.

Stop apologizing for growing.

You are allowed to be better, to want more, to dream bigger.

I am not the old Jana. And I never want to be her again.